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In an ultimate sense I cannot know what I do in this place, but I do ultimate things, irreversible things. And I, I stand in the dark with a blade in my hand, striking at heads. I need, more desperately than my children need me, a way of seeing in the dark. What way is this? What dark in this? I cannot fully ordain but God! I cannot go so far! I will however, pay so much hardship. There is now in my mouth this sharp chafe. It never comes out.