Sometimes doubt is debilitating, sometimes it packs a youthful, energetic punch, and sometimes, sometimes adrift on a cold, dark ocean, doubt is downright horrifying. Here's my not-so-definitive list of stuff that cause troublesome aches of doubt surreptitiously infused with terror.
18) Halloween (song) by Dave Matthews Band
What better place to start than a song titled "Halloween"? Legend tells that this song, which I'm told has different lyrics depending on which performance you listen to, is about Dave Matthews' feelings after his long time girlfriend rejected his third marriage proposal. There's a certain fright to the idea of "I can't win --- no matter what". Doomed people are unpredictable, to the rest of us, and to themselves. The real horror though, is when you begin to see the scales, the deformities that being doomed, or being repetitive loser cause.
17) The Seventh Seal (film) directed by
The apocalyptic quote from Revelation causes us to think the film is about the end of the world... and it is. Every moment on this Earth, the world is ending for someone. The Seventh Seal epitomizes our ultimate fear of the unknown in death. Sooner or later, we all dance with the Reaper. Each of us tries in our own ways to delay the inevitable, to win a game of chess with death, but it's certainty is final, our fates are sealed. The only question is: what sort of dance does he have in mind for us.
16) Michael Jackson Versus Bill Cosby
Although I don't know the truth, both Michael Jackson and Bill Cosby have been accused in the people's court of heinous sexual crimes. That, in and of itself, doesn't really traumatize me. I can still watch a Cosby Show episode and find it hilarious without feeling compelled to judge the man behind the scenes. In the same way, I can just as easily jam out to Thriller without being burdened by the cryptically bizarre life that was Michael Jackson.
The problem lies in this: our culture is absolutely vilifying one of these icons, while more or less sainting the other. I don't get the zeitgeist. How can I? Why is Cosby being unceremoniously mocked high and low, but Michael Jackson (who one could argue committed himself to worse crimes than Cosby's) is given a free pass?
When culture and the media turn on someone, it turns cruel and remorseless. That's okay --- I don't expect the world to turn the other cheek and respond to criminal activity with grace. But what churns the blood, is how unpredictable the culture can be, how utterly indecipherable its moral compass proves to be.
At any moment, the Facebook obsessed world could dissect something I say, and bludgeon me to a pulpit. Or, again, seemingly indescriminately, the twitterverse could find me to be its new do-no-wrong savant, and subsequently, nothing I do would ever be scrutinized. My sins would forever be dismissed.
The wheel of fortune is unknowable.
15) The Day of the Locust (film) directed by
The power of prominent cultures and the media is in the numbers. One person's opinion isn't worth much, but 1,000 people's opinion, a million? Those aren't small potatoes anymore.
Once upon a time my sister bought me a bunch of movies she grabbed out of a $1 bin. Most of the films were pretty drecky, having a hard time living up to their $1 price tag. But "Day of the Locust" proved different. The film runs miserably slow, and for the first two thirds I found myself nearing death with boredom.
But then the mob comes. Want a real zombie film? Watch the last 15 minutes of "Day of the Locust." We don't need to be infected by some rage virus to go blood thirsty. That instinct is already in us.
14) Into the Fold (song) by Cursive
For a spell of time, I was really into songs that featured guy/girl duets. I like the idea of a dialogue playing out in rhythm and beat. I found, over time, that there's much more than mere dialogue that can be played with by two dissonant voices. Cursive's dismissive ballad shows us both angles, as a sexual predator hunts out new flesh, while the innocent girl sees the picture much more dreamily.
The loss of innocence terrifies me. There's something heartbreaking about it --- because it seems so damn fragile and irreplaceable.
13) March of the Penguins
Hear me out! When the penguin egg slips out and breaks --- the open mouth scream the father/incubator makes --- how does that not ruin your world!
I live in a world where I eat animals everyday. If I have to reconcile myself with the idea that there are heartbroken animals everywhere on this broken Earth. That's just horrifying. Too much for a boy like me to handle.
12) The Shawshank Redemption
(film) directed by
Okay, hear me out again! The suicide scene at the mid-way point is horrible. Old men shouldn't kill themselves. It's one thing for a drug-addled lightning rod artist to do it, but old people should be wizened, and mature enough to not hang themselves. The film pushes you to want something else --- something more out of life.
Most folks get to the end, and it's wonderful. I agree, the final lines of the film are beautifully poetic. But all this hope --- it still doesn't seem to amount to much.
A desperate fear seeps over me as I watch the closing scene. I whisper to myself: "Is that all there is to hope for?"
11) Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall Past Lives
(film) directed by
I could put almost any psycho-historical Eastern film on here, but this one has monkey ghosts and shadows with creepy red eyes!
I like to think that there is a certain narrative the history of the world is taking. But frankly, that narrative leaves out the majority population of the world throughout the majority of history: specifically, Asian history. I don't understand Eastern culture and I don't understand how Chinese history (and the surrounding nations) fits into God's plan for mankind.
From a storytelling standpoint, the whole thing wigs me out if I think about it too long.
10) Rabbits directed by David Lynch
If you want to scare me, create a world that makes no sense. The New Testament says that God is not a God of confusion; I believe it! Crazy art films and movies where the laws of logic and thermodynamics are thrown out the window feel ungodly, and always either make me laugh or terrify me.
David Lynch is the master of the absurd. You can watch all of Rabbits on youtube right now.
But I dare you to watch it at night alone.
9) House of Leaves
Mark Z. Danielewski
The book is on lot of "scariest novels of all-time" lists. I am including it here not for the usual reasons. Wherein the main plot of the novel, an analysis of a house which has expanding dimensions in its interior whilst keeping its exterior dimensions the same, is utterly fascinating, I didn't find it particularly disturbing. However, lost in the middle of the book somewhere, is this little analogy to Henry Hudson. Hudson and his crew died in what would later donned Hudson's bay.
The takeaway is that discovery is always violent, either for you or the thing you're discovering. You can't find something new without irrevocably altering it, or being irrevocably changed yourself.
8) The Lost Symbol
(novel) by Dan Brown
The novel, by famed author of "The DaVinci Code", is disappointing. I learned in its pages, though, that villains are more intriguing than protagonists. Think of the Batman films. Each movie is only as good as its prime villain. That's why The Dark Knight is the best.
In "The Lost Symbol" the villain is wholly devoted to his cause. He eats and drinks and sleeps ultimate determination for the cause. And even if his cause is rather stupid, he's still more interesting and trying for something more inspired than any of the good guys.
The Doubter's Fear: what if bad boys really do have all the fun (and all the story)?
You don't need anything more than the premise of the movie. You receive video tapes of your front door. They come in the mail. You get crude drawings of your past sins. Somebody's watching you. Judging you. But you'll never know who. Never. Ever.
You're being watched. By someone you can't know. But they know you.
6) The White People
by Arthur Machen
There are others.
Maybe they're good. Maybe they're bad.
I think to a certain extent, we're all xenophobic. Add to that, almost every culture has a myth of little people. And the little people are always magical. Isn't the universality of that just a little unnerving?
5) The Mystery of Consciousness
published by Time Magazine
The Doubter thinks; at least I have myself, they can never take that away. Wrong!
When I was raising support to be a missionary, I spent a lot of time at Barnes & Noble. One of my favorite past-times was to get a Venti black coffee and peruse the weekly news publications (namely: Newsweek, Time, and the best in the biz, The Economist).
This article tore me up. It espouses the idea that self is a lie. We are just a conglomeration of billions of cells. Nuts to ethics. Nuts to individuality. Nuts to life.
4) The Color Out of Space
by H.P. Lovecraft
We tend to think of aliens as these humaniodic individuals. Little green men. Large insects. But what if they're personality is indecipherable? What if they don't seem like individuals, sentient creatures at all?
Lovecraft tells a horrific story of alien lifeforms that aren't really forms at all. But they have a will, nonetheless.
3) The Dummy
episode of The Twilight Zone
I missed the blatant analogy of the transmorphing power of alcoholism as a kid, but this Twilight Zone episode wherein a ventriloquist doll begins to control his ventriloquist was beyond scary to my seven year old brain.
2) The Wicker Man
by Robin Hardy
Question: What's the most terrifying thing for a Christian who suffers from doubt?
Answer: God not showing up when you need him most.
by Bill Paxton
We end the list with this film, not because it's the best flick, but because it hits closest to home.
What if God asked you to do something horrible?
We're all comfortable knowing he never would ask such a thing, but once upon a time he asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son to him. Yes, God didn't let Abe follow through with it, but what must have gone through Abraham's mind during those three days?